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Thursday, August 25, 2011

I'd like to apologize to you

I should never have said I was giving in. That was wrong of me. The letter and my absence from this blog is due to several factors, and ultimately  I allowed stress to dictate my emotions. It shouldn't have happened. But this blog is about real life, not a fantasy farm. And we are facing so many hard decisions, so many disappointments. . .

I had to buy store bought ketchup for the first time in 5 years. First thing Small asked about it, "Will this taste weird?"  Yes son, it will.

But it is all part of the experience.  I have always tried to look at things as a growing experience, as a new story to tell no matter what it is. I was wrong to give up not only on myself, but on you. You as my reader, my friend, and advice giver. I do need you, if only for a sounding board. I need myself to stay in the game because it is what I want.

I want to grow, not merely survive.

It was a couple of things that showed me that I was wrong to break up with you. The biggest has to be the character reference letters that I have been receiving. I need them for a business I am opening. And when they repeated each other as I am not one to give in easily, well it has made me take a look at myself.

I am still homesteading, still on our track to self sufficiency (at least as much as possible). We are struggling to find enough feed for the cattle, but I think we might be able to pull it off without butchering so many of the them. It's all in what we are willing to sacrifice to allow them and the homestead to thrive.

I hope you will accept my apology.

26 comments:

SeaMaiden said...

Happy to see you back. Stress makes people say and do things they don't always mean.

You can only do the best you can do.

I look forward to your future posts!

SkippyMom said...

I have no idea why you feel the need to apologize. Times are tough all around and we all have to do what we need to survive and keep going.

We do miss you when you are gone, but don't feel bad because you didn't feel like writing - it's your blog and more importantly your life.

We'll be here whenever or if you decided to pop in.

Love ya sweetie. Never forget that.

HermitJim said...

Hey Phelan...Only you know in your heart what is best for you and yours, but speaking just for me I'd certainly miss ya if you were gone!

If you decide to hang around, then I'll be right here to keep up with your posts. But if you do feel the need to take a break, no matter how long, my thoughts are still with ya!

edifice rex said...

Well I'm happy to see you may be writing again but like the others said, don't feel pressured to write if you don't want. Or feel bad for taking a break. I think everybody that is trying to do what we all are doing has had the same moments of overwhelming stress and just thought about chucking the whole thing. God knows I have. Even after building what I have here, there have been moments when I've thought about just walking away from it all. None of us are superhuman.
That said, I'm happy you're writing again!! lol!!

Lamb said...

Love seeing you back and posting! No need to apologize, we all have places we go when things get overwhelming, even if those places are only in our heads. (My place in my head is a lovely beach in Tahiti with well oiled loin-clothed dressed gorgeous men that serve me drinks and peel grapes for me! And I'm skinny, young and beautiful.)
Keep fighting the good fight.

Michelle said...

No need for any apologies...none are required. Do what you want/can. We understand that life happens...no pressure. :)

watch381 said...

In the past, I have been a "lurker". But really enjoy your total love for what you are trying to do.
You and your family are in my thoughts.

God Bless

Ma said...

Glad you're back. Have been praying for you. We know here, that this is no easy way of life. There is no time of success that is not balanced with failure of some sort. Hard times don't last forever.
Love,
Ma

Representative said...

No apology necessary!! I was just very sad and sorry for your struggle. Anyone who says they haven't wanted to give up in a struggle before is lying. Now's the true test: coming back. Welcome! I'm glad to have you back!

Anonymous said...

I live in Kansas City and I am not a blogger, but I love to find good ones to read, especially green and sustainable-living ones. Yours is awesome and I have lurked for quite some time. I am so glad you are hanging in there.
vickie

jules said...

No worries, Phelan. Glad you're back.

jlandrist said...

No apology is necessary. That is what friends are for. To be sounding boards. To say your feelings to even if they are fleeting. You have had to make some tough decisions and have every right to be emotional and think of throwing in the towel. The important thing is, you did not.

So glad you are back!

Alex said...

Welcome back!

FancyHorse said...

No need to apologize. I can only imagine what you and your family are going through. I will keep you in my prayers.

Donna said...

Glad to see you back. This is what I like best of your blog. The reality. Warts and all. I'm glad you don't present it as a fairy tale with mice doing the dishes and birds doing the laundry. That would really bum me out. My mice just eat my feed and chew up cables, and the birds just peck up all my fruit.

Ruth @ Hope, Joy and Faith Farm said...

As everyone else has said, no apologies are necessary. Sometimes it's one day at a time, or even one minute at a time. Taking a break is healthy. I hope things get better! Hang in there, and like everyone has told me, this is the place to vent.

FTM Farmer said...

I'm glad to see you back. Stress can really do a number on you. I know that all too well from personal experience. Take what time you need to relax and de-stress. If that means not blogging as much, so be it. I hope that you and your family have a better road ahead of you. Keep smiling, keep moving forward and keep your face to the sun so that you never see your shadow.

Basic Humanity said...

I am so glad you're sticking with it and I'm happy you're feeling more positive. You don't need to apologise. When things are tough and you're feeling down it's good to get it out. I think your attitude is great.

I started reading this blog maybe a week ago, but I've been working through all your posts from the start so quickly because it's such great reading. It's really inspirational. I'm only 23 and starting to pay off uni debts and save up for my own homestead one day. I love your blog and I'm looking forward to writing my own .

Thanks for writing about your experiences. They're so so interesting and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Phelan said...

I need to apologize as I felt I have wronged you and myself.

Basic Humanity, Good luck with your endeavors! I was 23 when I first started homesteading. Oh I'll be honest, that was 10 years ago.

Stephanie said...

Good to see you back! It is good to walk through the good and bad of homesteading with someone who knows just what it is like!

Basic Humanity said...

Thanks Phelan. How did you get started? Would you write about it sometime?

I'm pretty keen to get going, I'm moving city next week, so I'm going to make a go in my new place of growing something indoors just to see if I can. I'm thinking spinach as I've read it's not too difficult.

mmpaints said...

Phelan, you know you're not alone. I've had to buy potatoes (ack!) and such this year too. We can't ever give up and people who call this "the simple life" need smacked, LOL. Good to "see" ya back....

Richard hill said...

I am glad to see you back..:)

carol anne @ soapboxville said...

I don't think you need to apologize. I read your blog because of your stark honesty. And honestly it gives me hope read about what you're doing after small strokes. It makes me feel brave.

Phelan said...

I understand that many of you feel that I have no need to apologize. However I do feel like I have wrong both of us. I do have some thoughts that aren't public you know. ;)

Doom said...

I am quite pleased to see you not ending up quitting. I am just beginning to consider homesteading, I bought my home last year. It has a coop, that needs a new roof, an fenced acre, several goat or cow calf sized out buildings. And from reading here and in other places, your place is more of a fit.

Beyond not quite being... a native farmer type, you and your husband also share a history that I understand. Most homesteaders seem to have this in their blood, they were raised right beside chickens, geese, lambs, goat, cattle, horses, and such. It's sort of difficult to start from scratch with only the advice from people who already pretty much know it all (if, of course, practice isn't always quite as easy as just knowing, even with experience).

I'll keep reading. Good luck with your spread and all. It has surely been a tough sore year. Such is the life though, like marriage, for better or worse? :)

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