I am on the cusp of ending this blog. There are things that have contributed to this thinking. One of them is I have little left to talk about, another is that I have been writing here out of habit. The joy of homesteading has been sucked out of me.
I have nothing left to give you.
I live a very isolated life. I wish it wasn't so, but between the boys and this lifestyle I have little interaction with the outside world. And when I do, it is from the back of a motorcycle. This life is no longer working for me. Everything I have done seems to have blown up in my face. And things don't look good right now.
I realize I can not control the weather, and that the things happening are not truly my fault. We are about to lose just about everything but the land. I have failed. Failed miserably. We have always had fat and lean years. It goes with the territory. But I have found throughout the years that I am not one to be successful. My hand causes rot it seems.
I had an incident 2 days ago, and I am still recovering from it. I can not be trusted to be able to preform tasks essential to the simple life. I had no use of my right arm and hand, and words were coming out incorrectly. I was dizzy and lost. And coming out of it I found myself alone. I was terrified, and no one was around for me. Husband has started yelling, sorry raising his voice, at me. Something he has never done before. I truly feel as though I have ruined it all.
So I guess this is me breaking up with you. I am sorry that it has come to this. But I am not a role model for anyone. I am not the strong person that some have claimed to read in these pages. I am weak and I am lazy. I am Phelan, a little ole nothing that worked for years to no avail. ~shrug~ it happens I guess.
If I continue to write here it will become more depressed, and more neophyte than it ever was. I have lost something. And seem unable to get it back. And it has been evident here for the last two years. Honestly I have no idea why so many of you have stayed.
I do have things to say, and it will tick off many of you. It's who I am. I have never cared much for what people think of me. And this has caused issues with my family and me having very few, if any real, friends. I just really have nothing left in me to give to you. All the grass and weeds are dead from the two months of 100F+. I have no new recipes as I have nothing to work with.
No new animals to learn about and butcher. Nothing left for people to really attack me on, because I just don't care about hot topics. It's too hot, too humid to even move some days. Like today.
I don't wear high heels in a cattle field, I don't cook roadkill, I don't offer you my land to invade for a weekend, I don't lecture you on how you should be. I talk. That's how it has always been. And I don't want to be green, I don't want to pander to your insecurities, I don't want to be them. And the only way I can imagine coming up with new topics is to be like the pop homesteaders.
I do hope that you have enjoyed our years together. I hope I was able to bring something into your life, and that I haven't failed or disappointed you too much. I have enjoyed my time here, for the most part. But now it is time for me to fade into the background and be forgotten soon.
Thank you guys. I have appreciated your company. I will make an effort to check in once and awhile, but I think this is my last post on this blog. (however I do have a couple of book reviews that I must do) And after the blogathon, I will end my relationship with that other blog as well.
I would turn off the comments to this post, but I have gotten to know you enough that it wouldn't stop you from saying whatever it is you wish to say to me.