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Thursday, September 02, 2010

You Never Know just how to look through other people's eyes

I am not enthusiastic about this lifestyle as much as I was in my 20's. Scroll to the past here, and you can see that for yourself. I think I have grown tired. This isn't a very stable life.

Just when it feels like things are going well, something crashes around you. Then you go through the most boring mundane times. However you are nostalgic for those times when the BS happens. No, nothing horrific has happened, just musing I guess.

The boys are in school now, Small needs speech therapy. Large is a TA and Medium ignores it all.

I have grown rather sad, I think. I miss traveling and those adventure. I am becoming restless. Feeling closed in. But that will pass, it has happened before. I am having a personal problem that is heavily contributing to the feelings. But that is one of my odd stories. It's difficult to feel up about everything right now. This work wears on you, and there never seems to be an end in sight. In the firsts years, everything is good, even when it isn't. You took at the trails as an adventure, and dance in the good. But after so many years, it's just down right annoying. You thought you did everything right, but then a curve ball is thrown and you aren't able to hit it in time. Maybe you will get to walk, but most the time it is a strike out.

However I don't resent my choices. I would do it all again of course, perhaps with better planning. If I had known the extent on which I would be homesteading, I would have found larger property. One that still had it's top soil. Yet, that would mean no good neighbor. Choices can be fickle, one outcome isn't always better than the other. I don't dwell on what I have done wrong, though I keep it in the back of my mind so that I do not repeat them. Some mistakes are brutal, and not something I ever wish to relive.

My garden is a famine this year. The flooding then drought has ravaged it. I do not have enough food for the year. That is a hard one to admit, for it is the first time this has happened in 7 years. We have had flooding before, but was able to save it, but this year 3 inches of water stayed in the garden for several days. We tried saving it all, but was unsuccessful. I only have enough ketchup for six months, nothing else survived. (except potatoes and a few cantaloupe) no beans, no carrots, no sweet corns, a little dent corn and sunfllowers, and I do mean a little. This winter will be a struggle. Husband is making some cold frames for this winter, and we will be starting on the wallipinii. I hopefully will have cabbage, brussel sprouts and broccoli, spinach and lettuce for the winter. At this point, I am not holding my breath.

On the better side of things, we should be getting eggs again next month, and we still have 7 turkeys to butcher. If we can get the smoke house built, I can make some sausages with the meat. We will have that at least.

I don't mean to be down about things. Money is fine right now. We have stretched the propane longer than I thought possible, and will have a full tank before winter. Winter, that's another one bothering me. I hate living in a mobile home without central heat. The oven the only source of warmth. I said 5 years ago that this was the last winter I would spend in the cold. Alas! Here we are creeping up on another cold winter.

We have good intentions, plans to have things built. Things get in the way, time slips by, and here we stand with little accomplished. This year has been the worst. Mainly because of the cows out at the farmstead.

I hate woe is me posts. And I woul delete this, but it is all part of the life, my life. I loathe discussing money. Not that it makes me feel weak, just inappropriate. It always makes me feel like I am asking for a hand out when I talk about certain things, even if I know I am not. That would be me being self conscious.

Please no pat on the head comments. My feeling right now are just things I have to go through. Makes the spirit stronger if you make it out of it. And besides, that is not the reason I ever post the negative. You come here to learn about this life, and why should I make it all happy and pleasant like some of the other pop bloggers? I could just keep updating the same o' how-to's if you would like, naw. This is the real life.

Homesteading sucks.

But then again, the rewards you gain can be spectacular. The Neophyte Homestead is just cycling through one of it's bad years. half years? things started off well. Maybe it is mainly me, and my mindset at this time. I will work through it, and the mundane currents. And return with my self deprecating humor, crass statements, and blood on my hands.


Donna said...

I've been in your shoes before. It passes, but sometimes it takes forever to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
My garden this year is a mix of success and failure. In all, it's a learning experience.

SkippyMom said...

Okay - no hug for you. :P - but yep, life gets like this sometimes and I just tell myself well...tomorrow the sun will come up and it will be another day. Sometimes it is all you can do, eh? Anyday I wake up & we are all still alive is a bonus in my book. Take care.

Jaysen said...

I have been lurking here for a while. I am not a homesteader. I am one of those "privileged, white color, office guys who makes lots of money". Your post would apply to me, my co-workers, most people in general if you just change a few of the specifics. We are all in the same boat when it comes to finding satisfaction and happiness with our lives. Let's call it the human condition.

But then it is the human condition. Even us cube zombies share this in common with you.

Chin up. The Mr and the sizes are there for you. You will all get through it.

Rivenfae said...

I know how you feel considering we are starting out "the hard way". I'm sure it will get better and you have to remember the good times to help you get through the tough. Email me if yah want to chat.

Anonymous said...

Phelan, what about the rabbits? Are they meat rabbits? The feed to meat ratio is out of this world, as is the quality of the meat, and it grows quick (9 weeks from birth to slaughter). I want to invest in a buck and two does, but I have to get my neighbors used to other things first, like a gigantic garden and chicken coop. Here is a great primer on it:

I'm sorry things are so harsh for you right now. Things don't look good for many right now (myself included). My garden didn't produce nearly what I wanted it to. Insects and weather contributed heavily to my non-growth of food. I never got my chicken coop built, and therefore won't be able to get pullets until next spring.

Things are tough. Hang in there Phelan, we'll be rooting for you!


TeeJay said...

As far as the veggies go - have you ever thought about growing things on a small scale inside? From what I read it IS possible as long as you have the right lighting rigged up.

I thought about doing it through the winter b/c I live in an apartment with no growing space outside - and yet I want fresh veggies (the Farmer's Markets out here are way too expensive!) for the winter.

I've been looking into things like Aquaponics where you can grow things in a "fish tank-type" set up. Maybe that could be an option for you.

In any case, I know you'll come thru this and let me just say that I love your brutal honesty in your posts.

I would rather someone be frank about the sometimes "crappiness" of homesteading than sugar coat everything. So thank you for your honesty!

HermitJim said...

They say that whatever doesn't kill ya, makes ya stronger! Guess that's true for most of us!

Thinking good thoughts for ya, my friend!

upinak said...

Phe. I told you about the USDA home/farm/suburban refinance loands at 2% interest. Since your farm is obviously in mortgage. How hard it is to call about?

And think of it this way. You HAVE a farm. What I wouldn't do to trade for it! I had a HUGE garden.. which the mold, slugs and aphids (not including the animals) killed. I don't even have potatoes as a blight got to them.

Woman, you crack me up with your stories. You are going through what everyone is going through right now... The Holy Sh!t This Last Year has Totally SUCKED Syndrom!

You are now a honorary member. Welcome aboard!

CousinLinda said...

Thank you so much for your honesty. You're right--you never read about the bad stuff on most homesteading blogs, and for those of us who are considering the lifestyle, such commentary is priceless.

And may things start looking up for you sooner rather than later.

Tim Appleton (Applehead) said...

We are going through it here as well. emotionally, not physically. If it makes you feel better, I don't have a smoke house, you would make me extremely jealous.Can you post plans? :)

Janelle said...

Sounds like we're having the same kind of year. Here's hoping for a better year next year.

Phelan said...

Skippy, any day you wake up alive is a bonus for me too. My mother doesn't have internet now, she will be mailing you though. I told her about the falling, she does that as well.

Jaysen, I use to be a cube zombie, and there are many days I would like to be one again. Things are simpler when you are a zombie. I mean you eat, sleep, talk down to people while smiling. . . ahh the simple life ;) Thanks from coming out of lurking for me, I appreciate it. I realize others feel the same way, I think it is good to express it. Not many do for fear of being called a pansy. Thanks again!

Rivenfae, I too started out the hard way, heck still making things harder than they should be, ha!

Laura, ah the rabbits, yes. I have a long post about them coming up soon. They are indeed for meat, a medium meat rabbit they seem to be, though we still are not sure what they are. Thanks for the primer, I will look at it once I get some more coffee in me.

Teejay, I have a post on growing indoors. We did hydroponics for a bit. And the wallipinii will be of great benefit. Search Phelan's Box for the post on building a grow box. We have very little room to grow all we need indoors. More land than house. But we have plans. The cold frames should help this winter.

HermitJim, Hugs!

upinak, I looked into it. I would have to refinance for another 30 years. And I think there was something that disqualified us. Our interest rate isn't bad right now. And money isn't our biggest trouble now, thank goodness. But thank you!

CousinLinda, Thank you.

Tim, of course there will be a post! Sheesh what do you take me for?

Jannelle, me too.

goatlady said...

Whats that saying that dogs do. If you don't like something piss on it and walk away.

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