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Saturday, May 16, 2009

Get off your rear and get a real job!

I heard that spew forth from my younger s-i-l last night. Of course she didn't say it as kindly as I have written it, and then she said something else about my husband working but I didn't hear all of it because I started screaming at her.

I feel a bit better, I would have loved to hit her. It has been years since I have gone off on anyone, nor actually hit someone, but I think I could still manage to hold me own, especially how she has been treating me, and my husband all these years.

This isn't going to be the entire post, I am going to get to the title in a moment, first a little story about how this statement came to be. My husband is working on her fiance's motorcycle, for a 60% cut in the bill than what he would normally charge any one else. She doesn't appreciate this, and is ticked that the bike was ready for her engagement picture, or that it wasn't finished within a few days. But her, I want to call him something else besides her future 3rd husband and she is only just now turning 30, stupidly ran the bike too hard, with knowledge that there was something wrong with the bike. The clue was all the oil spewing across the road. There was a lot of damage. The two of them call my husband at work every day, and almost twice a day. My husband was getting upset. Than yesterday she called him at work, after he had just talked to the owner of the bike, and told him that if he couldn't have it finished this weekend, then she was coming to pick up the bike that night and have someone else do it. And that was the last straw. I have put up with her treating me horribly for the past 13 years. Her telling babysitters of mine to hate me and all kinds of other bs, she treats my husband like he is to drop everything for her. . I had enough. So I called my m-i-l and told her to tell her daughter to come get the bike between theses certain times. I was liable to hit her.

S-i-l called, and I told her what for. I was so angry that she wasn't willing to pay, actually asking for some of the money back, and the years of him doing things for her for free and giving him attitude. I told her she treated her brother like she does boyfriends, uses them for all they have and throws them away. Then she told me to get off my. . .um. . . butt and get a real job.

A lot of people don't see what I do as having a job. The past 13 years, I have not left home for work for the past 5. Yet I still make money. Not as much as I would like, but I am attempting to start a business. And unlike a lot of new businesses, I am not losing money, but merely breaking even. I work very hard for little pay. But I love what I do. I am happy with what I do. My husband loves what we are doing, this is what he wants as well, and he is willing to sacrifice his time to accomplish it.

Many people don't see the physical hardships, or the emotional strain that I go through to not only homestead, and raise my children, but the toll that providing people and my family with quality, natural food stuff. I rarely discuss the business side of things, especially with husband's family, as they don't get it. They, like many other's, believe that you are not actually working unless you are working for someone else and not yourself. We do this with little praise from other's. But our clientele is a loyal one. And even when times are tough for them, they are willing to support us, and what we are trying to accomplish. Farms are disappearing all of the US, small farms are on the rise. Dairies are dropping like flies, but we are trying to bring it all back, a traditional life and business that helps all around us out.

I like to think that we are very loving and forgiving people. But I have to get a couple of things straight. You DO NOT hurt my husband in any way. I will take the abuse, but no one turns that abuse on my husband. And you never accuse me of not doing my fair share and not working.


Albert A Rasch said...


You are raising children correct?

Nothing else need be said.

Maybe Sil needs a lesson in humility, made to realize that big brother isn't going to do anyone any favors anymore, made to realize that she cannot define another person's worth by her own twisted values, made to realize that she has worn out her welcome.

Your values, the things that you deem most important, appear to be in good order.

Do yourself a favor, pour yourself a good cup of tea, and rejoice in the good job that you are doing!

Best Regards,
The Rasch Outdoor Chronicles.
The Range Reviews: Tactical.
Proud Member of Outdoor Bloggers Summit.

Meadowlark said...

Yuck. Situations like this SUCK. I have to ask though, what does your Husband think of all this? It sounds like he needs to shoulder the burden of telling his "baby sister" that it's time the hog ate the cabbage (or something like that) and that he's done with her crap. Until HE does it, she's going to continue to consider you a B*tch and keep on doing these things.

Um. Ask me how I know. :(

Hope things improve.

Phelan said...

I think she actually heard some of the things I said to her last night. She talked to husband this morning and he told her the same things. That he was tired, and she was indeed using him. It has taken awhile for him to see it, but this finally opened his eyes, and he will no longer put up with it. I am so proud of him.

Albert, I did bring that up. She allows other to rear her children, babysitters and family. She never has her kids on the weekends because she chooses to party, and would rather pawn them of on her mother or sister. Even my husband said something to her about it. He also told her were his priorities lay, and if she didn't accept that, than she would have to stop asking him for favors.

I think I have been uninvited to the wedding. But I already planned not to attend, so no loss for me.

My biggest problem is that she is not alone in thinking that I don't work. I bleed almost daily, I do more in the morning then most people do all day. I am just fed up with that kind of thinking. I would love for farmers to strike so people would actually realize that their food stuff really doesn't just materialize in a grocery store.

HermitJim said...

Phelan...this is exactly why I need to get away from the city and family for a while (maning forever).

Blind eyes that cannot see, deaf ears that will not hear...

I feel for you and wish that more of those you mention couls see the goodness and usefulness that we, your fellow bloggers, can see.

Seems to me that your ducks are all in a row and your priorities are correct. Foe what it's worth, I have a great deal of respect for you and your family!

Keep fighting the good fight, my Sister!

Gina said...

Must be something in the Universe just not right at the moment.Shitty-all-around-bad day for me too.


Melissa ~ Mom to 6 said...

I got an extra bumper sticker that says "NO FARMS ~ NO FOOD". Want it?!

On CL, a family was asking for food - seems they're on hard times and have already gone to all the food banks/churches and can't get more food til next month. I offered them several dozen eggs. I also explained they were home grown eggs. They not-so-politely turned me down. Some get it, some don't. I know you're not gonna lose sleep over this.

Weddings are overrated anyway -especially the third time around. (no offense to Liz Taylor.)

Anonymous said...

Many great comments here, and I commiserate with your family situation and post...

But I would just like to emphasize how modern society, including our own families, condemn some of our more traditional choices.

Whether that be a partnership that creates and run a homestead when there are many modern "conveniences," or being a housewife or sole provider for family, or just being moral people in being responsible, AND expecting others to be accountable as well.

I learned personally, and later professionlly, that anytime you try to set your boundaries with dysfunctional people, they will always try to put the blame on you (forgive the psychobabble, but it is accurate.)

The only thing you can do is stand firm, be an example in your actions and words, and leave a small door open for changed behavior on their part, if that time comes. Sounds like her kids could stand all the positive models they can get! Also, doing this gets easier each time, and you get faster at detecting manipulation, which leads to people trying it less. REALLY!

And good on hubby--his family and ultimately his place to check this behavior.

Keep your head up, you do good work everyday, and we sure appreciate your taking the time out to share your lives and learning with us.


SkippyMom said...

Anytime you feel the need to strike another person, at your age/maturity, it is simply time to walk away.

Ann Landers always said "People can only take advantage of you if you allow them to." It took me a few years to get this, but it is a pretty darn good credo to live by.

I hope you remove yourself from a messy, volatile situation, sooner then later. It will be the most beneficial outcome for all parties involved.

Donna. W said...

It makes me angry just to read this! Who does she think she is?

crowson2000 said...

for years I was told "cut your hair and get a real job hippie!" and then they would laugh trying to joke about it... I still get people downing our lifestyle and saying things like "your wife works while you stay at home? man, you've got it sweet!" I take care of our son, and just built our house, and take care of the animals, garden, and homestead. All these people now days think because I don't "work for someone else" like you said, that I don't work...

I've been insulted because of our life but never quite so blatantly. I would say cut her off too, and cut her out of your lives. But that is easier said than done with family right? hang in there. :0)

Yart said...

To have the life that you and your husband are building for people like me would be a dream come true. Lots of hours, little pay & a ton of hard ball busting work. I know I sound crazy but its the truth. I have been doing what I can in suburbia because we don't have the whatever to move out and start doing it. I give you and your husband all the credit in the world, your doing it. And to all the nay sayers they will never have what you have..... A greater sense of accomplishment and a great night's sleep.

Jederah said...

Im so sorry that your sister is such a B#tch. You are doing the right thing by you and your family. She, however is doing wrong on multiple levels. WE here admire you, and you are are like a hero to me...dont laugh. I know you have your bad days, I know you have doubting days but you are yourself no matter what and THAT is what I aspire to.

PS I hope DH can you give you a massage you deserve one :)

Crystal said...

I pat you on the back and commend you for all of your hard work in raising and providing for your family. Letting her get under your skin allows her to steal the peace and satisfaction that you get from a job well done (whether it be at home or in some high-rise office building). She has taken more than enough from your beloved family. So in terms that I know you are familiar with ... don't let one bad apple spoil the bunch, put it in the compost heap where it belongs.

granny said...

Unfortunately ,you can choose your friends,but not your family.If you let her get to you ,she's won.Just feel sorry for her and live the life you love :0)

Albert A Rasch said...


Great people with great comments.

I work for the "Man," but while we had our property, I would spend time every evening catching up with the animals, the garden, and any other thing that required my attention.

People just don't realize how much is involved in order to work towards self sufficiency!

Then to raise kids on top of that? Really, a homesteader has to be almost super-human!

The Rasch Outdoor Chronicles.
The Range Reviews: Tactical.
Proud Member of Outdoor Bloggers Summit.

Phelan said...

Remember, this is the first time in 13 years of her abuse that I have actually said anything to her. So it isn't like I allow her to control my life. Her brother, my husband, has strong feeling about family duty (I still don't know where he got that from, must have been a longing more than education) and allows way too much to happen before he will say some thing. I don't him that's why he married me. I was taught to stand up for myself, and those I love. If I see an injustice to speak out. But because I adore my husband, I walk away from arguments that are involved in his family, I don't say anything about the problems and behavior to his family. But it finally got to the point were no more blood could spill from the bite marks in my lip.

I have been expecting phone calls from his family, but so for all has been quiet. I wonder if this is their way of supporting me. I know that the entire family knows what I have done, she would have called her mother or sister to complain about my injustice toward her.

For 13 years I have put up being treated like the slutty girlfriend, the passing faze, the wrong girl for my husband. I am tired of going to family events only to be ignored or turned into the babysitter without my permission. I am tired of having to remember every important date to them, while they ignore any of mine. My husband is supporting me, and he is sticking up for me, finally.

The way they treat him I feel is worse, because he is blood. I can forgive them for abusing me, but not him. I have been a good girl, and it hurt.

I have only spoken out once in 13 years. So, no, she has not gotten under my skin, and yes I have felt sorry for her. But I believe it was time for me to actually say something, and attempt to stop this.

I am no longer attending their family events, my choice before all this happened. But this will keep me a little saner I hope.

Art Blomquist said...

LOL, anyone who thinks that working a homestead and being self sufficient isn't "real" work doesn't know real.

Loving someone doesn't mean having to take their abuse.

Michelle said...

Good for you, for standing up to that abusive wench. And anonymous's comment, "I learned personally, and later professionlly, that anytime you try to set your boundaries with dysfunctional people, they will always try to put the blame on you" is SO true. I divorced one of those, and he still tries to pull it. Good luck to you, and always remember that YOU make the best decisions you can for YOUR family, and if everyone else thinks you're off-base, they can go whistle. It's your life. (mine too, and I get similar hassles from my ex)

Sandy@American Way Farm said...

No one can hurt your feelings without your permission. So don't let her get to you. Just because she's family doesn't mean you have to let her walk all over you. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Sounds like it's about time. Now keep it going and don't let it be another 13 years before you put your foot down again.

San Diego Farmgirl said...

Oooh, Phelan ... girrrrl, let me tell you sumthin!

I've worked from home the past 4 years as a freelance journalist, and some family & friends still refer to me as 'not working', including my own mother. Oh really? I have so much work I'm writing from 6 am to 8 pm most days. No, it doesn't pay well, I'm not getting rich. Freelancer rates haven't gone up in 20 years. But, it pays the bills and I've reduced my debt significantly. And, best of all, my entire goddam industry knows my name. I've gone from having a good reputation in just a handful of companies to damn near famous among the entire industry, while 4 years later, my detractors are still hamsters on the same wheel.

So forget them.

You're ahead of your time; actually, right on time, but ahead of Kansas time. haha Everybody laughed at Noah, but things worked out pretty good for him, didn't they? Those of us who choose to make our own way are not only hearing our messages from [God, whomever], we're also brave enough to act upon them.

Forget her.

This isn't the economy to refer to anything as a 'real job'. People who don't have to be told when to report to work and what to work on are the ones with the 'real' drive and work ethic. I bet she's a real pain in the butt to manage at work. Bosses love people who just skate by doing bare minimum. haha Plus, job security is only an illusion. Just wait until she loses her job, and then whose dinner table will be full?

Forget her. Let her have her Sonic and Bud Light, and spend her nights parked on a barstool, that's good for the figure. She's gonna look like hell in 10 years, so she'd better figure out quick how to hold on to a husband!


San Diego Farmgirl said...

Sorry to say such mean things about your SIL, but as a fellow freelancer, you touched upon a nerve! I know soooo many fellow writers who get the same, so feel confident that she is wrong, wrong, wrong!

SIL is self medicating and bitter, while you're nourishing your body and soul. Anger is a justifiable response, especially for a fiery Sag, but I suppose the high road would be to let it roll off your back and instead feel empathy toward a lost and unhappy person? Karma, golden rule, turn the other cheek and such?

Phelan said...

At least you have journalist on your resume, mine merely says lowly writer ;) Yes, the pay is wanting, but I have had several raised from one editor these past few years. So I am not complaining too much. But if you break it down, my hourly wage is very nice, but then you see the paychecks and not think so.

I don't think you were being too mean. She does look a lot older than me, and she is actually a year younger. I don't know if she needs to learn how to keep a husband, as more as she needs to open her eyes and see that the men that she has dated that were good guys she finds reasons to push them away and marry the ones that are going to cheat on her, or she is already cheating on. She is very self destructive when it comes to relationships. I always thought I was, well I know I am. But not like she is.

The post wasn't specifically about her. I guess it was in a way, but mainly it was the topic she brought up, the part were I don't have a real job. And I have been taking the high road, for many many years. I have been talked down to and criticized, and never once correct them to their faces. I allowed it to pass. ( though when she told me she couldn't meet my time line, I so wanted to say that it wasn't a time line, it was an arbitrary time constraint, but realized she wouldn't have a clue what that meant. I like being a writer sometimes ha!)

I use to worry about her. She is only a year younger, and I was seeing teen mistakes in her 20's. I was concerned about the path she was on. I had already been through many of those choices, but she wasn't learning from them, instead taking those choices a step further. I have always been civil to her. Understanding that some times a person does go through these things. But once you have children, those choices have to be evaluated and changed. She did none of those, and became angrier and harsher in her life. Even though these pregnancies of hers have all been planned and claimed to be wanted. I see none of that, and I became less civil toward her. But still have not spoken out.

She is very bitter, and myself being a child of a psychologist have reasoned out that the reason she hates me so, is because she wasn't allowed to marry her brother.

Anonymous said...

SIL is jealous - others have touched on this. Doing what you love is SOOO important as you are working more than home. I too am jealous of your lifestyle; however I am not going to bash you for it but am trying to emulate. Just as soon as I can kick this day job! = ) My title would be to get off my butt & quit a job! *hugs*

Cheryl@Gingerbread Crafts said...

Know what you are talking about, pretty much SUCKS doesn't it? in our family it's computers, husband worked in I.T so was expected to drop everything when family member's computers broke down. He eventually told my sister that she will have to go elsewhere for computer repairs in future. This was after he spent hours retrieving her business files when she got a virus. He had told her to buy disks and make back ups. She told him that she wasn't going to waste her money on disks or her time making back-ups. She wouldn't hesitate to ring at 1 am because her printer wouldn't work.
These days any computer dumped on him gets repaired in his own sweet time, gone are the days when he dropped everything because it was expected. And no he's never been paid for all the work he does.

Kimberly said...

I don't homestead, I "just" raise our children and get asked all the time when I'm going to go back to work.
Some people will never get it.
What you are doing for your family matters. If you're husband and you are happy with your choices, that's all that matters.
In-laws can be amazing at times. I am glad you did not hit her. :) That would not be good. Hope hubby is backing you up. Sounds like THEY need to have a talk.

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