Snow. More snow on the way this morning. Will it never stop?
I have furry yellow hogs sprouting in the closet. That is a type of tomato. Figured I would throw that in there, who knows what some of you were thinking they were.
I am at a do or die decision point in my life. I informed my husband that it was a midlife crisis, even if I am not considered midlife yet. He is not enthusiastic about my real midlife crisis when it decides to rear it's ugly head. I feel resentful towards the cows and my husband right now. It is pure selfishness and I think a little fear on my part. I can still get out of all of this, the homesteading for profit thing. I can sell my cattle and live a relatively easy life, now. But as soon as I move to the farmstead I feel I will have no more chooses.
I am not a shut-in, I am not anti-social. Sure I have said in the past that I don't like people that much, but I also don't like being alone so often. Once on the farmstead I will be more alone than ever. Because of the cows, I can't just take off for a weekend and join my husband on a motorcycle run. Because of the cows I have a curfew. Because of the cows, I have someone to talk to. They are good listeners.
I am resenting my husband because he will be back in a single life. He will be living alone the majority of the time. He won't have the children breathing and screaming down his neck all the time. He doesn't have to go home if he doesn't want to. He gets to go riding whenever, and see his friends willy nilly.
I told you it was selfish. But it is a part of me, and it hurts. I fear that I will end up losing everything. Look at the FDA that has been proposed. If I go to the farmtead, intent on starting or expanding my business and all this passes, what am I to do then? I won't be able to make any more to live. Sure I can continue to grow my own, but there are still things I need money for. I have very few "practical" skills for the working world. Plus the farm is so far out in the boonies, that there isn't a practical way to get a "real" job. I will have the staples to live, but not the means to be.
I am losing sleep over things that I need to decide. I am fearful of making the wrong decision. And I have no idea where to look to help me figure this out. I can do all the research I want, but there is no info out there to sway my mind one way or another. And all this talk seems pointless right now. No one can make my mind up for me. I am scared about this, if I choose wrong, then what?
I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew what was right. But others create rules that make things seem impossible, and I don't have the money to conform to the potentially new rules. Nor can I afford to be fined. I guess it will be a wait and see. I will continue to get the farmstead ready, and see where this bill leads. If passed, I will stay on the Neophyte Homestead, and work just for my family, making no profits.
Why can't things be easier. What happened to just having a simple life? Things are no longer simple when others and major changes in life are in the forefront.