It has been noted, that you have noticed.
I have not been my talkative self as of late. My topics have been mundane and my feeling subdued. I was told once, here on my blog, that I get too down, or I am too hard on myself. There are reasons I do this, besides that it is an ingrained part of my Psyche. ok, maybe not any rational reasons. And yes this is probably going to turn out to be a very personal and rambling post.
I know that it is not just homesteaders that end up feeling like this. Even before, when I had a "real" job, I would get into a strange little funk. But not this physical suffering that seems to have taken a few jabs at me. (my arms are starting to look like Popeye's) Getting up out of bed before the sun is becoming increasingly difficult. Television programs, such as several I have seen lately on Green Planet, are making me nauseous. And I am compulsively watching the national news channels, all of them. I am taking too many comments to heart, why meat eaters are evil ( I must say that being a prior vegan, that their arguments do not dissuade my opinion on the subject, but unfortunately their "bites" are getting to me)
Part of my issue, currently, is the stress and issues I have had with my first son. A dear friend of mine has had her twins preterm. There are days when being the supportive friend is overwhelmingly difficult and I do my best not to curl up in corner and cry.
Gina, from Cauldron ridge and I have been talking a little about our relative funkness (note I didn't say funkiness). And I have concluded that I have become frightened. Those that know me will find this a little odd. I am terrified that I am going to fail my children, that everything I have accomplished will be for naught. I am worried that someone will come in and take it all away from me. And I feel overwhelmingly possessive about the Homestead. This is one of the reason we have decided to rent it as a working homestead and all that it implies.
Grain has already shot up in price because of ethanol and gas. I am concerned that an over zealous neighbor will set my cows free.
I am concerned that the chicken thief will never be stopped.
I am concerned that a government agency might find fault with my lifestyle. ( even if I do my best to find out the laws of my area and conform to them)
I feel lost in what my next steps should be. There is no help once you have gotten past a certain point in this lifestyle. You just continue being/doing what you did before. It becomes stagnant and very few new joys seem to emerge, or even glimmer in the distance.
I am not giving up, but I don't know where to go.