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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The reality of it.

I will agree that we were far from ready to deal with the worst winter in 20 years. The winter has taken it's toll on me. Emotionally I am rebounding, physically I am set back. No, not my knee. That gets stronger and I have seen more flexibility as time has worn on. There are days that someone brushing up against the skin makes me cringe, thousands of hot needles scratching the surface. Other days the muscle behind my knee is stiff and sore, making walking more difficult. I still can't run, but I can scurry with the best of them.

It's the weight loss that everyone is glad to see that is the problem. The truth is, I really don't eat. I am lucky to have a sandwich once a day. I could eat more, but I have three growing boys, they need the food more than I do. I, like so many moms out there, sacrifice a huge portion (if not all) of their meals to ensure the health and happiness of our families. I have gotten very good at hiding it from Husband. You are correct in the assumption that they don't know. It's not that they aren't paying attention, it's that they are use to me eating as I cook, or having a migraine that keeps me from eating. Though last night, Husband caught me not having any dinner, and basically forced me to have some of his. But he expends more energy than I, and he needs it. Yes, some days it makes me cranky, some days. I am more tired than I should be. But this is the reality of what I have to do. Take no pity, this is my choice.

Spring is encroaching on the holler however. The turkeys are returning and wild foods are starting to erupt. A garden is in the planning stages, and things will be back to normal soon.

The motorcycle shop has also seen an uptick of work. Apparently those we need to know; those that know everyone, and are liked by everybody, have been coming in. We make them happy, we get more business from their buddies. Husband has put applications in at a few other shops. They are very pleased to see him. Some even knew who he was. But they don't seem to believe that he is willing to take work for less than what the last shop paid him. He tries to point out that the shop that fired him paid him way less that the shop before and the shop after. But in their minds they see that large wage and I guess get uneasy. We just have to have faith in the shop.

I haven't had a job outside the home in 10 years. Makes finding something for me even harder. I work to keep the shop going, selling off many of the things we brought with us to stay above water. I will admit, we should have done things differently. But here we are, and I can only make the best of what I have.

The boys are growing like crazy! Small still loathes school; the teacher mainly. Both Medium and Large are on their second girlfriends now. And Husband had a birthday on Sunday. I had enough items to make some brownies for him. 

We trudge on. Waiting for that light that comes after the darkness fades. (Your care packages have been my sanity savers) We have our good days, and our bad. Most of the time we are happy (no matter the sacrifices) and in love. We remind each other the reason we came here. That the motorcycle wreck helped us reevaluate our lives. And that even though right now it seems we made a major mistake, that we have had it worse in our lives. And that we will make it the best. Sounds sappy I know, but hope is all I have right now.


Angelia said...

Your optimism and hope and faith in yourselves and your abilities are just a few reasons that I so admire you and your little clan. I never see what you write as whining about your situation, rather, it makes me wish I were as brave and bold as you. I miss you guys very much and I know that you will be ok because you want a certain kind of life bad enough to endure "whatever it takes".

Phelan said...

We miss you too. And thank you.

Carol said...

For the first time in my life (I'm in my early-ish 50s) I have had to go to the local food bank/pantry. I love the food bank. And here in Ohio, the maximum income you can have for TWO people is $30,000/year! (we make less than that, but honestly I'm glad they understand that people need help these days) Please check it out; if not for you, for your boys. There is absolutely no shame in it. I go there weekly with a huge smile on my face.

longtime wife said...

I was hoping it was easing up. Although with winter ending some day and the garden getting in, it will indeed help. I am sending a care package girl, and I want YOU to eat some of it. You have to promise me you will, because I will be mad if you dont! so there! what a threat. but seriously, Im gonna send pantry fillups. hugs mama

kymber said...

i still blame you for us making the jump and moving here - bahhahhaah! oh phelan, if we had it to do all over again - man, the things that we would have done differently! hindsight is 20/20 and all that. i don't know how we survived our first winter here - everything that could go wrong - DID go wrong. but we got through it. you and Husband and your boys have the mettle that it takes to get to the brighter side. i just want you to know that i understand how very difficult it must be right now. and yes, we all have our down days.

now you have to promise to eat. i am with you in that i always make sure that my husband has enough to eat. and you have your growing boys to consider as well. but i would gladly suck on bones and fill up on water in order to feed my man. but honey, you have to eat. i would love to mail you a care package full of food from our pantry but the shipping would be ginormous. so i dropped a little in your paypal account. i want you to promise to eat.

your friend,

Kellie from Indiana said...

Do you think you have nerve damage with the needle prickling? Im asking because I had an accident which hurt my back and neck and I didnt have health ins so I suffered thru and now I have spasms, restless legs, and the skin sensitivity off and on too. I want you to know you're not alone. Unfortunately both my husband and I are both unable to get work because we made so much more before and we have so much experience. We are struggling on my grown sons (!) part time job, feeling humiliated and humbled. I already went thru a stomach illness and lost a lot of weight, but everything now is for my son and I wont eat much either so I am bones. I cannot wait for growing season to add to our stores. Anything that will bring some hope for me is a good thing. And ya know, when you are so broke you fear waking up is the day your trucks engines gonna blow (murphys law) so we have to deal with that now. No, its been one shitty (pardon my french) winter.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say sweet girl. You guys weren't ready for a real Kentucky winter and you had to pick last year of all years to move. It will get better. In the meantime.EAT!

Donna. W said...

I, for one, appreciate your honesty.

Sandy Livesay said...

I read your posts and know you're just documenting how things are, you're not whining. Like you, I would give to my family first before eating myself when making changes with jobs and moves.

Please be careful, I don't want to see something happen because you're not eating. Your hubby and the boys need you strong.

Phelan said...

Carol, I have checked into the food banks here. I plan on doing some volunteering.

Mama Lisa, yes ma'am.

Kymber, I promise to be more studious in my eating habits. :) And I will gladly take the blame. You two seem happy.

Kellie, I do indeed have massive nerve damage. For the surgery they had to cut through a huge mess of nerves. You know that spot where the doc hits you with the little hammer so your leg will kick? that area. I will never get feeling back on one side of my knee. They tell me the other side will become less sensitive over time. Here's to hoping. I am so sorry to hear things are so bad on your end. I wish so much I could help.

Rat, winters here aren't as bad as in Kansas (Kansas got hit hard this year too) it was the not being ready for the worst winter they had seen in a long time. And I will, I promise.

Donna, thank you.

Sandy, I will.

Valerie Cottage Making Mommy said...

I totally feel you. This Winter STUNK. It was my first Winter ever in the country and it was awful. Still it's holding on. I have so many mental notes of things we need to do and that I need to plant so we have on hand for next year. It seems everytime we needed something you'd have to drive 30 miles away to get it and that's just not worth it. I'll be gardening and canning right along with you.

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