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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Was I ever that Angry? a ramble

I know this is my blog and that I am allowed to write what I feel like. Unfortunately I don't feel that way. There are many things that intertwine in my daily life that I remain mute on the subject. Why would it belong on a homesteading blog? (hence starting the motorcycle blog)

Some ask that I tell my stories, others tell me to shut up. Some people like to give accolades while other prefer to kick. And I have my days were I take things too personally. And those days prompt me not to say certain things.

Right now we are between experiences. Going through the motions of a typical Kansas summer. I have a few options, stop writing daily, and only post when something new has happened on the homestead, repost older how-to's, or express my opinion. Today I feel more like chatting. I rarely feel a need to "chat". Talk without much substance. Most the time when I speak, there is a reason, and most the time it is a personal reason not easily shared.

Crowds make me uncomfortable. I can put up with them, but I much prefer talking one on one. I have spoken in front of crowds without vomiting or some such craziness. But lately I feel no need to do so (speak that is, not the vomiting part).

I don't want to come off as angry. Because truthfully I'm not. I am exhausted and for that reason I might come off as angry. I acknowledge that I have every right to be angry because of the situations that I have been placed into, either by myself or by others actions. But I am not, I am just tired. However, to be honest, I can get over the horrors quicker than a can the little cuts. Paper cuts burn!

I find that I am more rational, and clear headed when the serious stuff happens. But am not so stoic when I am singled out for whatever reason. This is my unfavorable personality quirk. We all have them, and some of us fault ourselves too much for it. I was told the other day that I am too hard on myself. And I readily accept that fact. Indeed it is something that I need to work on. I don't mind being hated, as long as I know the reason behind the attitude. I deal with many people that prefer to kick, and I will gently put up with it, but harp on their reasoning. "Know thine Enemy." ~shrug~

I tend to speak without thinking. I never go out of my way to intentionally hurt anyone. And it bothers me when my words are skewed into something else. But that is a price you pay when unintended parties hear your words. I have always been that way, and tend to be surrounded by people that like that aspect of me. Of course you would have to, to be able to put up with me for long. I take my freedom of speech seriously, and will say what I truly want, except here. A former popular homesteader that gave up blogging was similar to me. She told me once that it became too much. Too many people knew what she was having for dinner, and it started to get to her. That was why she stopped blogging. I was saddened to see her go. She had a wealth of knowledge that she was ready and willing to share. But there comes a point where the attacks become too much. Even if it is only one person doing the attacks.

She, like me, took things to heart.

I was just reading a blog that I enjoy. And it just got me thinking about the different fractions in life. He wanted to be understood, but because he was a republican he was getting lumped in with right-wing extremists. I went and read the blog he was talking about, and it was filled with anger and hate. And while reading it, I couldn't figure out why this person was so resentful towards anyone that had a conservative opinion. See, I don't like rat terriers. To be honest, they scare me a little. When I was younger a woman that lived down the road from us had seven of them. One day while walking home from school, I was attacked by the little beasts. Yes, I know, how much damage can those little ankle bitters do? A bit if they can get a hold of your ankles. But the biting wasn't the worst of it, the lose of control, the way they seemed bent on taking me down was what scared me the most. I tend to not own these dogs, but I don't give anyone grief that owns them. I own big dogs, because I feel safer, yet I know many people are frightened by my dogs. I don't fault them. And I don't go off, spewing vile images about rat terrier owners.

The post was mean, it was angry and she took it upon herself to declare that she was the spokes person for her party. But why? She just kept on accusing people of horrible things, never once did she qualify her statements. The one thing that was obvious, if you didn't agree with her, you were a terrorist. I walked away. What else was there to do? I could have misread the post, misunderstood what it was she was really talking about. I didn't take offence to it because I didn't see myself as one of those people she despised, even if I didn't agree with her. I didn't ask her to clarify anything because her readers were up in arms, and it wasn't a situation that I felt compelled to include myself in. Thus the reason I am not linking out to the post. I shouldn't say up in arms, because she is anti-gun, how about up in horse twitches as one of her readers says he uses.

We all have strong opinions about one thing or another. Sometimes we can openly discuss our opinions, and sometimes it is better to just walk away. And sometimes the editorial should remain private. I keep a lot of things in draft, because I feel no need to expose myself even more than I already have. Sometimes I let the drafts be published and wait for that one person to kick, to jump, to misread, or blatantly skew my words for an attack.

I feel that this blog should not just be about how-to's, but the emotional roller coaster that this life creates. And why should it not be? I do not hurt anyone intentionally, and never have I once appreciated derogatory remarks, or personal attacks. I read that woman's post and felt sorry for her. How can anyone have so much hate in them? I disagree with some people's views, but acknowledge that the person has the right to have such views. Sometimes those views are hate filled, and the response they get back are equally as hate filled. "I hate you because you hate them." It makes little sense to me, except that some people have an urge to hate.

I have always welcomed differing opinions. I have always enjoyed a good, decent debate. And sometimes, I just want to chat. No harm, no foul. I just hope that I was never as angry as she is.

17 comments:

Annette said...

There are plenty how to's on the web. What brings me to this blog is not only the how to's but to catch a glimpse into your life - a real life homesteader! Homesteading is so much more that information dispensing; it has emotional ups and downs and OMG!s.
Keep doing what your doing. It is impossible to please all people all the time. I know, easier said than read, eh?

Phelan said...

I am not so worried about pleasing. I am not the nicest person because of my honesty. It's not that I am intentionally mean, it just what I see and how I see it.

Wendy said...

Once I thought about not allowing comments, because I just didn't want to read the thoughts from people who thought they knew my life better than I did and who felt compelled to point out the fallacies of what I said I was doing (sometimes I can't convey the WHOLE picture, because it's just too many words. You know?)

I didn't, because *the* reason I keep blogging is the great feedback ;).

There's a very popular blog out there that is great for how-to's, but, frankly, the author is kind of dry. I like your honesty and openness, and I've never found you to be mean ;).

SkippyMom said...

I said it once and I will say it again - there is no need to explain yourself. Your blog, right? At least that is what I believe.

You take so much of what is said to heart when really there seems to be a miniscule amount of neg. in the comment section and a whole lot of love going on.

Why not focus on the support and stop explaining - for every lil' neg. comment you get it appears that you receive upwards of 70 -80 per week more that love and support you.

I like that your glass is "half full" instead of "half empty" right?

And when you keep posting explainations about your words and actions it really does appear as though you are trying to be pleasing - at least to me and others - as they have said so too.

You wouldn't have so many readers if they didn't like you, right?

Phelan said...

I really didn't realize that I was explaining myself today. I was just chatty, making observations about things in general. The post I read was slightly upsetting I and just wanted to reflect on it, and managed to do some personal refection as well. Wasn't attempting to please or apologize or anything of the sort. Just read the post as rambling, I would suggest, more than anything else. I admit to my flaws, and I don't think I was taking anything to heart or reflecting on anything negative that anyone has said here.

It was just telling you a little about myself and how I see things.

I'm not chatty

I don't like crowds

I take too much to heart

I'm too hard on myself

I am not an angry person

Spewing hate in the name of love confuses me

lumping people together makes little sense to me.

I don't like rat terriers

I miss a fellow homesteader

Sometimes I feel it is better to walk away from an argument

All this post was was a getting to know me a little better, or so I thought that was what it was saying. Tomorrow I can tell you the positive things about me if you want.

Phelan said...

ha! That's funny, now I am explaining myself in comments.

Annette said...

*giggles* I'll read anything you feel like typing!

YeOldFurt said...

Phelan,
I usually don't comment much, but I read your blog a lot. It's YOUR blog, YOUR diary. NOT anybody else's. You post as you feel you should. You have lot's of support out here among us.
I DEAL with dogs and other animals that threaten me, but that's just me and how I do things. Squish all the little mean-hearted nabobs that think they have to put someone else down in order to raise themselves up.
w/v=sperb (aka= superb)
YeOldFurt

HermitJim said...

Well, I for one like what you say and how you say it. I would be happy to see you continue to share a bit about yourself and your life style, but that's just me.

I'll keep coming back and continue to read whatever you decide to post!

BTW...thanks for the good reads!

Sara said...

I agree with others. This is your space, not anyone else's.

I'm just getting started blogging and I find it interesting that you mention the emotional part of homestead blogging. Its something I have just become very aware of.

There are many many books and how-to's but blogging is so useful because it helps others realize that this journey isn't just a quick and easy solution to modern problems. It's an everyday struggle, no matter how rewarding.

Thanks for sharing your words!

Donna said...

I'm one of your faithful lurkers. I feel compelled to comment on the reason that I'm here daily. I like the how to's but love hearing about the homesteading life with warts and all. I feel you give it straight. Disregard the yapping little rat terriers and write YOUR blog as you see fit.

Annette said...

Well said Donna!

The Thinker said...

I think I know what you mean. I don't understand at all how someone can tell me what I should be thinking or what political party I should be supporting or anything like that. And they get so LIVID about it when they can't change my mind.

Nothing you can do except walk away. They can't be reasoned with even to the point of accepting the fact that I have every right to think what I want to. And it's not their right or responsibility to try to change my mind.

How do people get to that point?

Gina said...

O, Phelan, we have so much in common...

I, too, take things to heart (as you know all to well) and I get dismayed when I receive negative emails or comments (which I do). I tend to get drawn up in those comments and forget all the great, supportive ones I receive too.

I think it is human nature-some are just better at hiding their nature!

i have to agree with all the ones that said there are plenty of 'how tos" out there and many of your readers have been 'homesteading' for as long a period as you; it is the emotional and random side of it that makes it interesting and helpful. It's helpful to find out that their are others struggling right along side of you out there in bloggerville. I often get stuck on the "I am so imperfect and unliked" that I am blind to any accomplishments and friends I have.

This is not to say you are like that, I'm just rambling along like a couple of friends would.

hugs to you.

Robbyn said...

I love that you write exactly how you want to, Phelan, about what you want to, saying what you want to how you want to. blogs that do that are the ones I keep coming back to

Robbyn

Annette said...

Amen Robbyn!

Celeste said...

Reading this and reading your comments.(the one where you listed things) I swear that was me!

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