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Thursday, April 02, 2009

Are you kidding me?

Snow. More snow on the way this morning. Will it never stop?

I have furry yellow hogs sprouting in the closet. That is a type of tomato. Figured I would throw that in there, who knows what some of you were thinking they were.

I am at a do or die decision point in my life. I informed my husband that it was a midlife crisis, even if I am not considered midlife yet. He is not enthusiastic about my real midlife crisis when it decides to rear it's ugly head. I feel resentful towards the cows and my husband right now. It is pure selfishness and I think a little fear on my part. I can still get out of all of this, the homesteading for profit thing. I can sell my cattle and live a relatively easy life, now. But as soon as I move to the farmstead I feel I will have no more chooses.

I am not a shut-in, I am not anti-social. Sure I have said in the past that I don't like people that much, but I also don't like being alone so often. Once on the farmstead I will be more alone than ever. Because of the cows, I can't just take off for a weekend and join my husband on a motorcycle run. Because of the cows I have a curfew. Because of the cows, I have someone to talk to. They are good listeners.

I am resenting my husband because he will be back in a single life. He will be living alone the majority of the time. He won't have the children breathing and screaming down his neck all the time. He doesn't have to go home if he doesn't want to. He gets to go riding whenever, and see his friends willy nilly.

I told you it was selfish. But it is a part of me, and it hurts. I fear that I will end up losing everything. Look at the FDA that has been proposed. If I go to the farmtead, intent on starting or expanding my business and all this passes, what am I to do then? I won't be able to make any more to live. Sure I can continue to grow my own, but there are still things I need money for. I have very few "practical" skills for the working world. Plus the farm is so far out in the boonies, that there isn't a practical way to get a "real" job. I will have the staples to live, but not the means to be.

I am losing sleep over things that I need to decide. I am fearful of making the wrong decision. And I have no idea where to look to help me figure this out. I can do all the research I want, but there is no info out there to sway my mind one way or another. And all this talk seems pointless right now. No one can make my mind up for me. I am scared about this, if I choose wrong, then what?

I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew what was right. But others create rules that make things seem impossible, and I don't have the money to conform to the potentially new rules. Nor can I afford to be fined. I guess it will be a wait and see. I will continue to get the farmstead ready, and see where this bill leads. If passed, I will stay on the Neophyte Homestead, and work just for my family, making no profits.

Why can't things be easier. What happened to just having a simple life? Things are no longer simple when others and major changes in life are in the forefront.


Anonymous said...

Go talk to Brigid over at "Home On the Range". She's been there, done that and is a good listener.

Donna. W said...

I wouldn't make any choice that separated me from my husband for any length of time. Life is short. Families need to be together.

I'm not judging you here,only saying what I'd do. Only YOU know what is best for YOU.

Anonymous said...

Fear only feeds fear. Listen to your gut,make a decision and run with it.Get hubby involved,he will want to help.
Good advice from YOF.

The Thinker said...

Ohhh dear. Do you know what that sounds like? I call it the "sense of impending doom." I have experienced it a lot when major changes are coming, or I'm going to do something I haven't ever done before. And people close to me (close enough to share such feelings) have talked about having the same feelings.

It can be emotionally crushing in its intensity!! I have never let it stop me from doing something I wanted to do, though. And I've never been sorry for that.
(On a side bar note, I am jealous, jealous, jealous of all that milk you are getting!!)

Carolyn Evans-Dean said...

I think that you are selling yourself short as far as your marketable skills. Look at how many people are interested in how you do things. You are an excellent teacher and you have a way with words that paints a picture for us of exactly whatever you are describing. You could write books, magazine articles and operate many other for-profit ventures from the comfort of your desk.

If the bills pass, my guess is that you'll be so far out in the middle of nowhere that no one would bother to fine or prosecute. You would just adapt and find another way to make money through your writings...and through raising stealth livestock. After all, if this passes, there will be an underground fresh food movement to support the needs of the people who truly want healthy food. (Look at the underground raw milk sales as proof!)

There are also plenty of people who never thought that the bill would affect them who will "rise up" in protest when they realize that their personal liberties and pets are threatened. There may not be enough voices speaking out about it right now, but there will be if the feces hits the fan!

If the homesteading lifestyle is what you want for yourself and your family, then go for it.

The Fool said...

I hope you come to peace with yourself, Phelan. Our passage through this life is often fraught with such contradictory forces. Look in your heart, and let the gray matter become'll find the answers you are looking for. I have faith in you and your course.

Kelle at The Never Done Farm said...

Hey, you are NOT alone in feeling scared. We have been dealing with this, Unknown, for several years now. Instead of letting it chew us up inside and out, we decided to turn it over to the Lord, after all this is the path He's leading us on. It's helped us to change our focus from fear of the unknown to looking toward the future and wherever He leads us. We've him-hawed about doing a CSA garden for two seasons, but you know what it still doesn't seem like we should do this, so we will instead continue to donate excess produce to the Senior citizens center in our town. Afterall it isn't always about money and as Martian Chick pointed out, you have many skills that can lead to profit. My advice is to pray and keep your heart and ears wide open.

Blessings from,
The Never Done Farm(ette)

VADutchman said...

We are on the brink ourselves, living and working in a metropolitan area, but wanting to start a homesteading life that we have planned and worked towards for over 10 years now... so I think I understand where you are coming from. The thought of trying and failing is hard, the fear of trying and being legislated to failure harder, and the idea of leaving an assured, if not altogether pleasant, lifestyle for uncertainty is a recipe for self-doubt. I think that fear and indecision is a bad combo, though.

It is probably a little simplistic, but when making a huge decision my better half and I discuss it, create a chart of pros/cons and alternative scenarios, discuss and add to the list over the course of one week... and then make a joint decision based on that.

Sorry comment is so long, but best of luck - we are rooting for you!

Laurie said...

I don't have an answer or a suggestion, just the comment that I understand the frustration of dealing with desire and obligation, and I am rooting for you.

Meadowlark said...

I can only offer a stupid answer. Flip a coin and promise that you will do whichever one wins. Then, if you're secretly disappointed with the results, do the other one.

Yeah. I said it was stupid. And I'm with you on the "he gets to be essentially single". That's what those six-month deployments are like - they have fun, I continue to "mom".

Peace to you

Phelan said...

Sometimes I need to write things out to think. I have talked things over with my husband, he asked if I was afraid if he would be a whore. I laughed and said he was already one. But no that isn't my worry. He says this is all up to me. He wants to be a farmer, but he wants to be a wrench as well. We have talked about the pros and cons. And I would see him 2 days a week until he no longer has to work.

Impending doom, yep sounds about right. Nervous is a better word than fear.

I do write for magazines, and have tried to get a novel published. I was told there was no interest (consumers) or it was too short. It doesn't pay much.

I just have to push forward no matter what happens. I know what I want, I just have some doubts. I do hope more people come forward and fight the new FDA regs. Small farms are on the rise, we need them.


Irma said...

Phelan, my question has nothing to do with your post....but you DO ask us if we have questions periodically, ha ha.

Three weeks ago I made some pickles but was unable to process them in a hot water bath. When I checked them a week ago, I realized the clove of garlic in the bottom had molded (turned a weird green blue) so I threw everything out.

Tonight, I attempted more pickles and was able to water can etc. I just pulled the jars out of the bath and the clove of garlic at the bottom has already started to turn a funky colour. WTF? Is there some secret piece of pickle making lore I am missing??? None of my recipes say I need to blanch or otherwise process the ingredients before hand, it all reads like "throw everything in to a jar and cover with boiling vinegar."

What am I doing wrong?? ANY idea??

(oh, and thanks for answering me before regarding my cheesemaking disasters using grocery store milk. I have a lead on some raw milk that I think will solve the problem...)

Phelan said...

Irma, I am happy to answer questions. First, even if you didn't water bath your pickles, they shouldn't have molded. Fermented pickles are wonderful. Your salt to vinegar ratio might be wrong. Also, white items will turn colors on you if they are not soaked in citric acid first, (Cider vinegar works just as well) and even then they might change colors.

You could also have something in your water that is causing the change. Try some distilled water in a batch and see what happens, no color change means there is something in your water.

More than likely you aren't doing anything wrong, I don't have your recipe, so can't really tell you.

Here are 2 of mine

Sweet Pickles

Dill pickles

Either or can be processed without actually processing, just set them aside in a dark corner for a month to ferment. nummy!

Billy said...

Do we need to go out for dinner and get you out of the house? Call me!

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