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Thursday, June 12, 2008

My line, please?

It has been noted, that you have noticed.

I have not been my talkative self as of late. My topics have been mundane and my feeling subdued. I was told once, here on my blog, that I get too down, or I am too hard on myself. There are reasons I do this, besides that it is an ingrained part of my Psyche. ok, maybe not any rational reasons. And yes this is probably going to turn out to be a very personal and rambling post.

I know that it is not just homesteaders that end up feeling like this. Even before, when I had a "real" job, I would get into a strange little funk. But not this physical suffering that seems to have taken a few jabs at me. (my arms are starting to look like Popeye's) Getting up out of bed before the sun is becoming increasingly difficult. Television programs, such as several I have seen lately on Green Planet, are making me nauseous. And I am compulsively watching the national news channels, all of them. I am taking too many comments to heart, why meat eaters are evil ( I must say that being a prior vegan, that their arguments do not dissuade my opinion on the subject, but unfortunately their "bites" are getting to me)

Part of my issue, currently, is the stress and issues I have had with my first son. A dear friend of mine has had her twins preterm. There are days when being the supportive friend is overwhelmingly difficult and I do my best not to curl up in corner and cry.

Gina, from Cauldron ridge and I have been talking a little about our relative funkness (note I didn't say funkiness). And I have concluded that I have become frightened. Those that know me will find this a little odd. I am terrified that I am going to fail my children, that everything I have accomplished will be for naught. I am worried that someone will come in and take it all away from me. And I feel overwhelmingly possessive about the Homestead. This is one of the reason we have decided to rent it as a working homestead and all that it implies.

Grain has already shot up in price because of ethanol and gas. I am concerned that an over zealous neighbor will set my cows free.

I am concerned that the chicken thief will never be stopped.

I am concerned that a government agency might find fault with my lifestyle. ( even if I do my best to find out the laws of my area and conform to them)

I feel lost in what my next steps should be. There is no help once you have gotten past a certain point in this lifestyle. You just continue being/doing what you did before. It becomes stagnant and very few new joys seem to emerge, or even glimmer in the distance.

I am not giving up, but I don't know where to go.


Gina said...

I so wish I could comfort you, but you know how self-imposed The Funk can be (it is what you are struggling with with your friend). I want to say all the right things (like I always do) like "hang in there" and "it will be OK", but I feel so much similar to how you are feeling that my words would just feel like lies. I am frightened too. I barely sleep, my work is an unfocused mess (thankfully, I have no real work anyway), I go through the motions thinking things like "Why bother if it is all going to hell...?"

I do have a glimmer of hope and that is knowing there are others out here that won't just think I am 'crazy' or abnormal or depressed. Even if I do have some of those things at times, I can see that what you and I are experiencing is Real in these times.

You won't fail, Phelan. As Tansy (Dancing in the fields) always says, we've been practicing for this for years. We know the drill.

I am still going to offer you a hug even if it is only virtual. I feel like you are one of my sister in this.

Gina said...

BTW, feel free to email or call me if you need someone just to talk to. It may just be a back and forth talk of fear, but comradery is good too even if it isn't always the nice things (IMHO).

Kathie said...

I'm sending love and hugs your way, not that it cures what ails your soul at the moment, but it doesn't hurt either.

Cheap Like Me said...

Oh, geez, trying to do everything virtuously can be so demoralizing. Especially when you feel like you're the only one. Or you see how little you've done and how much more there is to do and it DOES NOT LOOK LIKE FUN.

I suggest a news break. It's too depressing and reading it isn't doing you any good. Read a fabulous escapist novel, maybe? (Books are at least on paper -- a renewable resource -- and support writers instead of multinational corporations or something.)

And know that most of your blog readers are here because of interest and support you -- for the rest of them, who cares what you eat, anyway? You are brave to be honest. Most people can't do it.

I am a funk-sufferer at times, too, and I recommend a good talk, a good book, and maybe a couple days with as much time as possible spent in bed with a book and a bowl of ice cream or popcorn or whatever your (relatively harmless) poison. Even an hour can help.

Best wishes to you.

Laura H said...

Phelan, I have been reading your blog for a few months now.. and you are an inspiration. We live on five acres and every year we try to add something.. we are no where near where we want to be.. just started this dream last year.. However, it is getting scary to watch the news and we have no friends that have the same goals as we do.. They all think we are crazy (I think). But I get on the computer and look forward to reading your blog and know that hey they are doing it and there are people out there who are thinking like us.. keep it up I love reading what things you guys are doing .. and how we can move past just our pigs, chicken and garden into other ventures:) It also helps to know I am not the only one who gets in a funk.. I have had to stop watching the news, its getting to depressing out there:)

Danielle said...

I pop in here to visit from time to time, and this post tugged on my heartstrings.

Time to revel more and dwell less.

I agree, turn off the news. The world's going to hell in a handbasket, but it's been doing that for centuries. Every era has its own apocalypse, and there's a certain amount of comfort in that. Dwelling on the what-ifs of our own can be paralyzing because they aren't real, which means they can keep shifting and morphing into bigger and scarier and more impossible to keep up with.

Time to put your feet up, pour yourself a nice drink of choice, and revel in what's real, what's all around—the kids, the sunset, the birds, the life that keeps on in beautiful oblivion. That's where hope lives.

Me, I can only let so much of the doom and gloom stuff in. When I feel myself spiraling, I know it's time to stop, be still and quiet, and breathe in the peace that's immediately around me. Calm and centered is a choice—the trick is how to access it. What are your touchstones? Wallow as long as it's cathartic and then go find them.

Touch the Earth Farm

Anonymous said...

Don't get so down on yourself!!! We all get that way sometimes. Would it help if we all posted our biggest "problems" of the week? So you know you are not alone? And I am not talking about gas prices, and grain inflation but how we failed with our children? Screwed up our marriages? or did something stupid in the field? We all have stories such as this, and you are not alone in anything. Plus screw the government, we are all going to hell in a hand basket currently, so why not at least enjoy your ride there???

Robbyn said...

Love you so much, Phelan. I really value your honesty here rather than sugar-coating things. Our thoughts are with you as you work through these important issues...hearing yours helps us as we try to work out ours, too.

Phelan said...

Gina, no worries. Once I have got it all out in the open, I am usually ten times better. You though, you I wish I could do something for you. Let's get horses and meet half way...where would that be? upper Mo? Do I have your number?

Kathie, thank you.

Cheap like me, Oh, geez, trying to do everything virtuously can be so demoralizing virtuously? Is that what the young uns are calling it? ;D A friend of ours called us meek, I thought I was going to split my side laughing. I wouldn't call this a moral lifestyle simply because of the things we do are not moral in many peoples minds (take butchering for instance) but I do like that, and might just make it a catch phrase.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I read like mad, and am never too far from a book. Take them everywhere. The news is off (see today's post) thank you, thank you for your words and support. They are very important to my sanity.

Laura H, your reply is today's post. Enjoy :D And thank you for not lurking. And good luck!

Danielle, Every era has its own apocalypse, and there's a certain amount of comfort in that. I LOVE THAT! I am going to have to start qoutig you people. I did have a beer, and enjoyed a classic horror movie last night. It did a world of good. Getting it out of me help as well. Thank you for leaving a comment, I think I am done wallowing.

mommymommyland, I think most of us do that anyway (post the problem of the week) Once in awhile I need to get it off my chest. I am a writer, not a talker. If I didn't have chidlren I can go days without speaking. So writting it down and sharing it is the only way I know how to get it off my chest. This is my journel, I don't keep a paper one as all my paper goes to my fictional stories. As for the G angencies, I have already called my cell mates out. I know I won't be alone there :D

Robbyn, love ya too. actually I do sugar coat things because this is a family friendly blog, or at least I try to keep it that way. Wait until we meet in person :D ok, I am in a good ole onery mood today.

Anonymous said...

Phelan, I have to say how much I respect you, your writing and your honesty. I hope you found a bit of comfort in the sharing. xoxo

lisa said...

Wow...when I saw the date of this post, I wondered if maybe our government is testing "funk spray" on all of us! I've been feeling weird lately: nervous, distracted, overwhelmed. Even when I'm doing things I "need" to do, it just feels all wrong. Like I'm forgetting something vital, or living "wrong", or at least thinking wrong. Everything I usually enjoy just seems "off"...I just thought it was stress. Maybe it is, but how can you fix something when you don't know what it is? I like the suggestions from the other commenters, and I did print off your stories...I think a good read and a couple beers might just help!

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