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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Lost

We had a landslide and a tree fall on our fencing yesterday. We cleaned it up and repaired the fence. The cows were secured, but the sheep were spooked. Large didn't tell me until last night that he couldn't find the sheep.

They were spotted, and we attempted to get them back to our property. But without them following the cows, it is next to impossible. Hopefully I can spot them tonight, away from anyone else's animals, so I can start shooting them one by one. I have little choice left. Update, just got a phone call, they did come back on their own. We will see if they stay.

Large and I spend several hours each morning and evening patching or remaking fencing. If there is a weak spot the cows will find it. They do not like being down in the holler, they want horizon. But we can't afford to give them that yet, so we patch work a fence, praying each night that they will be there come morning.

When does one say enough is enough? 

One of the reasons I came here was because of my livestock, and now I am slowly losing my herd. Between them and Husband, my stomach is knotted in stress and worry. I barely sleep, I barely function. Most days feel like autopilot. It seems better to have no emotion than to cry endlessly. With dry eyes one can at least get things accomplished.

I assumed things would get better, but almost a year into it, things have steadily grown worse. I want to be able to fall back in love with the land, but right now it could all be swallowed and I wouldn't bat an eye. I try to remember why we loved it so. Instead I glare at it in spite. 

There are so many things to rant about, nepotism, forced union dues, liars, thieves, drug addiction. But it all becomes a blur, intertwining with all the other stressful events taking place. Murphy's law is in full force here. 1 good thing means a week of hell. 

I am glad some of you think I am so strong, so resilient. The fact is I am merely hard headed, and now I am lost. If only 1 good thing would happen with no consequences, maybe then I could be happy again. Maybe Husband could find that joy he first felt when we got here. Until then, I am buying stock in antacids and tissues.



Tomorrow, back to the optimism.

13 comments:

Rob said...

Overwhelmed happens fast sometimes. Realizing I was overwhelmed was hard.

I did deal with being overwhelmed by taking a day for myself.
When I came back from the garage 12 hrs later the problems were still there but I was in a better place to deal them.

I have no answers for you but I do know that sometimes 'I' have needed to step back & look at it all again.



FancyHorse said...

I'm so sorry.

I hope things will soon turn around for you, and you can find delight again.

I hate that you have to kill the sheep. You can't take one cow with a rope and lead them back with her?

Thinking of you.

longtime wife said...

I agree with fancy horse, try bringing them with a cow towed alone. A bucket of feed wont lure them?
gosh I wish something good would go your way.
Union jobs may pay well, but you pay to be in them for sure

Phelan said...

None of the cows are lead trained. I did think about luring one of the cows around with grain bucket to see if the sheep would find us. We tried the bucket with the sheep, it got their attention, but then they ran. Confused as small farm girls cows kept charging at them lol.

Judy said...

Hugs kiddo!

Cry if you need to. It's cheaper than eating antacids. Keeping a Kansas stiff upper-lip only works in short bursts.

Becca said...

oh, dear. You sound like how I eventually got with New Mexico, and I didn't even have livestock save for a handful of chickens. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way to do something is to push through. You'll have good things ahead. It just takes time that you may or may not have. I feel for you.

Phelan said...

longtime wife, this union job doesn't pay enough for what they take out. More than what our insurance costs are.

I guess I am just tired. Needing to vent.

Warlock Sundance said...

Move down here to SC....

myadventuresinselfreliance said...

Phelan, Geography is a very big thing especially when you are not expecting it.I would be very unhappy in Kansas as I grew up in mountains and woods and it is tough to make those changes in a matter of months.
If you can hold out I think in a couple of years you will fall in love with your "holler". If not well sometimes finding what you like means finding what you don't like.
Let's say you hate everything? Is that true? I don't think so though you hate your gimp knee and the cabin /house is a a wreck and the job opportunities are sucking. Well that is life and you have packed and left once you can do it again though that sucks in it's own special way.
I'm not saying this as slam you I'm saying it to remind you of what you have already done and if this place does not work out you can always leave and start again.
That is powerful as most people will never even try a garden let alone packing up the family and moving several hundred miles and hoping to make the best of it on a shoe string budget!
You rock lady and I admire you!

Practical Parsimony said...

I was sick of chasing chicken home or catching them and just tossing them into the car. I was ready to get rid of them. But, that is nothing compared to your problems. I don't know wht to say, except I hope it gets better soon!

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a while, not really commenting.

I can't really do anything except hope you folks don't get overwhelmed.

Wish I was closer; I've got stuff sitting around one place or another you'd be able to use for repairs and whatnot. Some folks call it junk; folks with imagination arenot as short sighted. P.

West Tx at Heart said...

vent away you and your family have earned that right.

Carol R. said...

I haven't written before, don't know what to say. Would it be possible to sell some of the trees from your land to finance some of the problems you are having?

Not to sound silly, but I have heard of people putting livestock on a tether. Could you get one of them on a tether? Maybe the rest would stay closer.....I realize they are semiwild, but maybe?


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