I don't care if I come off as a whinny little dog

Disclaimer, my blog, my gritch, my view of my world.

We once had the American Dream, or the makings of one. We played happily in our 20's preparing for our life together, a life that would include success and opportunity.

I found a home. I was no longer abused and I was no longer homeless. I pulled myself up, dusted myself off and made myself into somebody. Not a somebody that gets constant attention, but I made myself into someone I was proud of, and that made me somebody. I spent years as a nobody. That person you stared at because she was some goth creep, or skater bum, or pot head. I was that person you would throw some change at so I could eat, but you thought it was for dope. I was that person that got stepped on, that people would avoid contact with. I was that teen that people would cross the street to avoid. But then I found self worth. Some where in all that haze, I found a reason to wake up and to pull up my own boot straps and make money to live instead of asking others for money. I found happiness without a fear that it would be suddenly taken away from me.


My husband grew up in it. Living on the streets, in cars and hotel rooms. His parents always worked but it took them a very long time to get out of their situation. He did well in school, picking up scholarships that would have secured him in life. Then he fell down, and lost everything. He was a junkie. He too was the person people avoided, that were scared to talk, look or even breath in his direction. Then he too found his self worth. He found something to live for, and together we began building that American dream we had heard so many rumors about.

We made money. We could have bought a nice and tidy suburban home, instead we decided to buy 5 acres and a run down trailer. We had 2 children then, and things were a little tight. But I stretched the food budget by gardening, and feel in love with it. From there homesteading sprouted and opportunities came knocking. We had a plan, one that would take time, but it was there. We would have our own business.

I got pregnant again. We decided that I should quite working as my husband had earned and incredible rep for what he does. We were set. We had everything we ever really truly wanted, and didn't live beyond our means.

But my husband couldn't play politics of the company. He wanted to do what was right and got in trouble for it. He was laid off. We thought we had enough money saved to survive, we thought husband could get a job because of his rep. How wrong we were. We decided not to give up our American dream, we decided to fight harder, to live stronger. To do what we needed to do to keep all we hold dear.

I can't play this game anymore. I am angry that I have to do somethings that I don't want to do. I am racked with tears listening to the things that I have to hear. This is not what I fought so hard to get out of a gutter for. I never wanted their pennies, I wanted a chance. I wanted to be somebody, and I wanted my American dream! Damn it! I will not fall into a woe is me mind set. I can not! But it grows harder every day. What was the point of pulling ourselves out if we fall right back in? What was the point of having 12 wonderful years if it all crumbles around us? How will this make me a better stronger person? What lesson am I suppose to be learning? The one that says that I am not good enough? That I was a fool to ever believe that I had worth? The one that says that good guys all ways end last? The bad things happen to good people? What lesson!?!

How many more times do I have to hear that it is for the best, or that everything happens for a reason? I have heard that for so many things in my life. Rape, death of a child, homelessness, drug use oh and list goes on and on. I don't care if it happens for a reason. I am tired of this reason. I want to live a good life, I want to be a good person, I want to be left alone and allowed to fulfill the dream that we started on this homestead 7 years ago! I am not ready to give up everything just to make other's happy, nor am I ready to give everything up on the off chance I will lose anyway. How can I move things when people aren't buying? How can I make a living if people are on welfare? The only reward I want from life is happiness. And now a woe is me moment. . . .

I am angry, I am tired. I want things back the way they were. But I know that isn't going to happen. I know things will get worse before they get better. I want to fast forward through the bad, put it through like a dream, and wake up in a pleasant mood. How many drugs do I need to take to have that?

I no longer want to merely try. I want to be successful in life again.

So what do I do to get back there. Change. I need a change that was promised but not deliverable. I have to make that for myself. No more promises, no hand outs. Just me, my mind and my body. I have to bring myself to the point of breaking. I have to look at all of this like I did back before I found my self worth, when all I had was a pinhole of hope. I have to do this myself, no one can do it for me. No one can tell me how to do any of it. I don't need any one to tell me what that change is, only I can find what it is. And right now I am finding my way back toward that path. I can only hope that there is light at the end of it, and that there is fresh air for me to be able to breath again. But I won't know until I get there. And if I fail in the process may it be a glorious bang.