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Thursday, June 11, 2009

I don't care if I come off as a whinny little dog

Disclaimer, my blog, my gritch, my view of my world.

We once had the American Dream, or the makings of one. We played happily in our 20's preparing for our life together, a life that would include success and opportunity.

I found a home. I was no longer abused and I was no longer homeless. I pulled myself up, dusted myself off and made myself into somebody. Not a somebody that gets constant attention, but I made myself into someone I was proud of, and that made me somebody. I spent years as a nobody. That person you stared at because she was some goth creep, or skater bum, or pot head. I was that person you would throw some change at so I could eat, but you thought it was for dope. I was that person that got stepped on, that people would avoid contact with. I was that teen that people would cross the street to avoid. But then I found self worth. Some where in all that haze, I found a reason to wake up and to pull up my own boot straps and make money to live instead of asking others for money. I found happiness without a fear that it would be suddenly taken away from me.


My husband grew up in it. Living on the streets, in cars and hotel rooms. His parents always worked but it took them a very long time to get out of their situation. He did well in school, picking up scholarships that would have secured him in life. Then he fell down, and lost everything. He was a junkie. He too was the person people avoided, that were scared to talk, look or even breath in his direction. Then he too found his self worth. He found something to live for, and together we began building that American dream we had heard so many rumors about.

We made money. We could have bought a nice and tidy suburban home, instead we decided to buy 5 acres and a run down trailer. We had 2 children then, and things were a little tight. But I stretched the food budget by gardening, and feel in love with it. From there homesteading sprouted and opportunities came knocking. We had a plan, one that would take time, but it was there. We would have our own business.

I got pregnant again. We decided that I should quite working as my husband had earned and incredible rep for what he does. We were set. We had everything we ever really truly wanted, and didn't live beyond our means.

But my husband couldn't play politics of the company. He wanted to do what was right and got in trouble for it. He was laid off. We thought we had enough money saved to survive, we thought husband could get a job because of his rep. How wrong we were. We decided not to give up our American dream, we decided to fight harder, to live stronger. To do what we needed to do to keep all we hold dear.

I can't play this game anymore. I am angry that I have to do somethings that I don't want to do. I am racked with tears listening to the things that I have to hear. This is not what I fought so hard to get out of a gutter for. I never wanted their pennies, I wanted a chance. I wanted to be somebody, and I wanted my American dream! Damn it! I will not fall into a woe is me mind set. I can not! But it grows harder every day. What was the point of pulling ourselves out if we fall right back in? What was the point of having 12 wonderful years if it all crumbles around us? How will this make me a better stronger person? What lesson am I suppose to be learning? The one that says that I am not good enough? That I was a fool to ever believe that I had worth? The one that says that good guys all ways end last? The bad things happen to good people? What lesson!?!

How many more times do I have to hear that it is for the best, or that everything happens for a reason? I have heard that for so many things in my life. Rape, death of a child, homelessness, drug use oh and list goes on and on. I don't care if it happens for a reason. I am tired of this reason. I want to live a good life, I want to be a good person, I want to be left alone and allowed to fulfill the dream that we started on this homestead 7 years ago! I am not ready to give up everything just to make other's happy, nor am I ready to give everything up on the off chance I will lose anyway. How can I move things when people aren't buying? How can I make a living if people are on welfare? The only reward I want from life is happiness. And now a woe is me moment. . . .

I am angry, I am tired. I want things back the way they were. But I know that isn't going to happen. I know things will get worse before they get better. I want to fast forward through the bad, put it through like a dream, and wake up in a pleasant mood. How many drugs do I need to take to have that?

I no longer want to merely try. I want to be successful in life again.

So what do I do to get back there. Change. I need a change that was promised but not deliverable. I have to make that for myself. No more promises, no hand outs. Just me, my mind and my body. I have to bring myself to the point of breaking. I have to look at all of this like I did back before I found my self worth, when all I had was a pinhole of hope. I have to do this myself, no one can do it for me. No one can tell me how to do any of it. I don't need any one to tell me what that change is, only I can find what it is. And right now I am finding my way back toward that path. I can only hope that there is light at the end of it, and that there is fresh air for me to be able to breath again. But I won't know until I get there. And if I fail in the process may it be a glorious bang.

24 comments:

Aimee said...

Good luck, Phelan. You've got a head start on anyone else in this situation: you know what it takes, and you've proven you've got it for seven long years. Good luck.

Gin said...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Hang in there. I am thinking of you!

mradam said...

Such a sad post. I am with you on wanting things to go back to how they once were. I won't tell you that it's "for the best", or the "light at the end of the tunnel" is in sight, because I just don't know. What I can tell you is that you are an inspiration to me (and likely many others). You and yours work very hard, ask for nothing, and you are humble about what you've accomplished. If only more of America was like you! Keep doing what you're doing. Keep getting up every morning, keep working your fingers to the bone, keep going. And keep posting. I'll be keeping you all in my prayers.

Meadowlark said...

I'm only going to touch base on on thing:

Who do you know - name ONE SINGLE PERSON who has this "dream" of which you speak? Perhaps on the surface they have it, but in their heart, in the dark corners of their real life? I find that doubtful.

More and more I look around and realize the people who "have it all" really don't.

And the rest of us struggle for this dream but it's just that. A dream. Nothing more.

Feel free to delete this. I wish I could have said something warm, witty and encouraging.

I have nothing.

Peace to you anyway, my friend.

Phelan said...

Our American dream, success in what we do, opportunities for our children to be what they want to be, having a place to call home, not going hungry, having a job that we love, not merely existing, but living. That is our American Dream. And each person will define theirs in their own way.

I had it. My good neighbor almost has his, his is only lacking in family. My horse neighbor has his. They have succeeded in what they believed to be the American Dream, life, liberty and happiness. You fill in the in-betweens.

The Thinker said...

the weight of the world can be so crushing. Good luck, Phe.

SkippyMom said...

You have overcome and done so much I hope you don't give up now.

I feel, from just reading your blog, that you biggest concern is money. And no matter what anyone says - yes we all need it and it does make the world go round for us.

You aren't asking for a million dollars, I see that - but sometimes we all have to put our dreams aside to make the "now" work - and I guess that is what has to happen.

Your "American Dream" may not come true this year, but always remember that the sun comes up every morning and tomorrow is truly another day. [and no I am not channeling Scarlet O'Hara, it is just the truth ;) ]

Who knows? We may be reading a whole new Phelan in a year or two.

Figure out the best way to make you and your family comfortable and happy and the rest will follow.

Not all dreams come true on the first wish.

Kat said...

I feel your pain, it has been a really bad year for us and we are teetering on the brink of financial disaster. Don't give up, Phelan, because then the world will have won. Sounds to me like you are a fighter and I know you have some more fight still left deep down inside. Find it, use it, and fight for what you want. God will make a way, but it won't be easy. You are in my prayers.

HermitJim said...

For what it's worth...I wish you all the best!

Kelly or Alex said...

Phelan,
I'm so sorry that this is such a bad time for you guys. I have always loved your blog and you are an inspiration to so many. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Sometimes it is so hard to keep trying. It seems that you just keep getting knocked down. I don't have answers, just prayers. I seem to pray alot lately. Much love going your way. If you can think of any way to get help let us know. There was a couple who were having financial difficulty, they didn't want to, but the put a pay pal button on their site for donations. Honey, they were able to pay the mortgage! We are givers, we never know when it might be us needing the help. Keep faith, and in touch.
Kelly

Phelan said...

No, it isn't about money, not all of it, it's about failures and regulations (or pending ones) I am just feeling a little defeatist at the moment.

We are not drowning. All the bills are paid on time. It's just well, not were I wanted to be right now. and I felt the need to vent. Just super frustrated with all kinds of things.

It just feels like I am falling back to where I once was.

Jessica said...

I dunno who is telling you everything happens for a reason, but I'm considered pretty religious and even I don't think everything happens for a GOOD reason. Lots o' crap just happens. And I'm sorry some of it is happening/has happened to you.

Kymber said...

Phelan....
Breathe...just Breathe girl. Breathe in and Breathe out.
This is not the end of the world and YOU have been through so much harder than this...you have been through so much worse than this.
None of it is "for a reason" or "for the best" - it is life and that is all that it is.
YOU are a survivor...so my darlin...Breathe. YOU can do anything. YOU can get through anything.
and YOU know this.
so Breathe, love....Breathe in and out...YOU can get through this...YOU know that YOU can!

(thanks for always being so dang-nabbit honest in your posts - it is sooo refreshing! and helps sooo many others! now Breathe girl...)

Anonymous said...

Okay, it isn't about money. Then it is hard to tell what it is about - even when you throw in ubiquitous regulations that really don't have a bearing on what you want to ultimately achieve [being a small farmer] None of the legislation that you fear has been passed - move forward, right?. I see plenty of other people sustaining without falling prey to "gov't regulations."

On a lighter note - horses "whinny" and I [guess] dogs are "whiney". It makes me chuckle imagining a dog whinnying.

Did it MY way said...

Now that you have finished your rant-get back to normal. You have a great husband and kids. You know what you are capable of-just do it.

Don't worry about things that you cannot contol. Piss on the government, do what you want.

YeOldFurt said...

Phelan,
I'd hate to count the times I re-started from scratch. I came from the poorest of the poor and been knocked down several times. Venting is a good catharsis. But you can't be defeated until you decide to give up. We are all here to support each other. We are your "coffee-klatch" of friends. We can put up a link to your "store" on our blogs to give you exposure. Like RAH, I disregard any regulations I don't wish to follow. So don't try to be perfect "citizen" just CYA.
This weekend there is going to be a "farmers market" in our area for the little guys, barter is being encouraged. I'll be there.
Look fo rthe loopholes.
YeOldFurt

farm mom said...

Sometimes you just need to be free to feel what you feel, and to hell with the rest. No words of wisdom here, just rooting for you and yours, as always. xoxo

Annette said...

No cliche's here. You know better than I how brutal life can be. I am going through a bit myself - cannot give up the 2nd job 'cause of the $$ and my intense desire to pay down bills so the living will be 'easier' in the future. The hours, though, are just killin me and taking me away from hearth and home. *sighs* All I have to offer is hugs and prayers for strength. You are capable of so much and an inspiration to me.

Tracy and her crew said...

From one survivor to another... I have found that I have spent too much of my life waiting for the good times to kick in. I never realized how much I was missing while looking forward to when things would be better. Live deliberately!

Hugs!

Kelle said...

Phelan,
First of all {{{{HUGS}}}}.
Now everyone has choices in life, right? So of what you relayed obviously you didn't have a choice in some of your past, but how the situation was handled and delt with was a choice you made, and look how far you've come girl!

American dream is hogwash,nothing more than commercializm. Your life is what you make of it. I don't know a single person who has their life even 50% where they'd like to be. You simply do your very best and feel good about that, moving to your next project. If everyone succeeded at all their ideas, we'd all be Billionairs, right?

The good Lord gives us times of challenge to build our character, our inner strength and pure determination, again look back at all you've overcome. Don't fall into the evil trap of your life not being worth anything. Yes, it's an EVIL TRAP and you already have overcome that evil, you and your Dh, right?

Hard times are a way to wake us up to all the blessing in our daily lives. Not all blessings have to be BIG events, it's as simple as waking up to hear the birds sing!

Reflection is good for your soul, please just don't dwell there long, or you may become snared in self pity. Think of the blessings you have now, your Dh, your children, your farm and animals, the abilities you have and the ability to learn more yet.

Again {{{{HUGS}}}}

Phelan said...

I had 3 paragraphs of thoughts in the comment. But decided it best not to say what I felt like. I was just frustrated last night and thank you to those of you that understand that sometimes people need to blow off steam, misspelling and all.

I know what I do have. And I love that. I was taught to believe in the American Dream and I am not that cynical in not believing in it.


Ugh! I think I will go back to just posting mundane daily life and how-to's.

Alissa in Gladstone said...

I dont comment much but I seek out to read your blog every day and want you to know how much I appreciate letting us into your life. The good, bad and the ugly. Wishes dont do much but I do hope that things get better. I know I have moments of great frustration with the world and am happy to know that I'm not alone. Please continue your posts and blogs exactly how you have been sharing them with us. Y

ou are an inspiration and remind us all that we are all human and that is ok.

The Fool said...

Best to you, Phelan. Like you, I have gotten tired of the sugar coated placebo of "everything happens for a reason." I have gotten tired of the inequity and unfairness of how happiness is doled out in this world too. There is no reason. Life is not fair. So be it. Fight for your dream...always...and against all odds.

Irma said...

Wow.

Your blog has always been passionate, but I feel like you have rubbed your soul raw on this post.

And rubbed mine raw as well. I have never experienced the things you mentioned, but we all have known dark days in our own way. How true your writing is. And that's about the biggest compliment I can offer to a writer.

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