It has been said that I am brutally honest. I try to be truthful, but not mean or condescending in anything I say or do. But I haven't been completely out in the open about my personal life beyond homesteading. Yes, you guys know many non-homesteading things about my life, and my medical issues. I threw a hissy fit this morning, and that is way I hadn't posted, until now.
Why the hissy fit? I was starting to sound like Steven King in this morning's blog post. No, not the gory, but the way he will take 2 paragraphs just to tell you that someone was wearing a purple hat, or a bumble bee had entered the scene. I don't like speaking in that way, long descriptive, that's why all my novels are sent back by publishers, their only gritch. . .too short.
But now I have gotten off subject, and rambling about nonsense. My problem stems from having migraines for 30 years. As many of my readers know, I was born with them. It turns out that migraines, over a long period of time, will do the same damage as a good old fashion head injury will in one instant. The side effects have been showing their ugly head for a few years now. I am losing words.
This is devastating for me. I live by the word. Ever since I said my first word, have I loved to tell stories. And now, now I feel like I am stuck in a twilight zone episode, Time enough to read, time enough for me.
Now it might not seem that bad to most people, but when you stare at a dish cloth, knowing full well what it is, unable to find the right word because it is gone, it brings me to tears. I have my good days, and my worst days. And it will not get better, and there are no medications that will help.
I have a rare type of migraine. One that I am suppose to go to the er when I have them for fear of permanent blindness. I do not go to the er. I have had them like I said, for 30 years, without regular visits to the er. These migraines or the ones that cause my "side effects". They will also cause me to have a stroke. There is no question about that one. I will have a stroke, possible die because of it, and my doctor has no idea when. It is not something that can be prevented. I am trying to live life to it's fullest, as I fear I will not be around to see my boys to grow up. But my fears tend to get in the way.
This post is not meant for you to poor Phelan me. I am a big girl now. Potty all by myself. This post is to inform you of what is happening to me. I am sure some have noticed that my posts are not always brilliant, like they should be. ok,ok, not as clear. On my worse days, I still try to write to you, because it helps me and it is a joy to have you guys around. On those days I have to write around the words that I know should be there but are not.
I do hope this makes sense. My words are not failing me, they have disappeared.