I remembered you said goodbye

My father passed on at midnight, Thursday, July 12th 2007. Only a few moments after I said goodnight.

The emergency ext alarm was blaring, a short they said. My uncle reminded me that it was the same shrill whistle that was made when some one was coming aboard {Navy Ship} And that they were announcing his arrival.

We are Waking.

I will be absent from the blog for 3 days.

Thank you all for your kind words. If you drink, tip one for my father, TM1 Phelan.

In dreams I walk with you. In dreams I talk to you.
In dreams you're mine. All of the time, we're together
In dreams, in dreams.

If I knew

He said it was time. They placed him in my arms, not yet even 2 lbs, and pulled the tubes out from his throat. The tubes that kept him breathing, tubes that had been our only hope. But it was time. I grew tired of watching him, tired of not sleeping, tired of the worry, tired of him coming so close to death. His eyes opened as they removed the plastic tubes. This would be the second time I ever saw his eyes. So blue, like mine, almost black in their intensity. No one would have faulted me for crying, but I didn't. I marveled in his eyes for that second. They were mine, they were saying goodbye.

I rocked him like a good mother would, when a child is hurt. I touched the tip of his nose with a gentle finger. I kissed his forehead and whispered his name, Getty. His last breath was taken while cuddled close to my chest, where he could hear my heart beat once more. It's the sound he heard when he began, and the sound he heard when he ended. My son died, and I waited to weep.

His Wake began that night. Sundays in Kansas had no outside the pub liqueur sales. But pubs heard of my lost, and donated bottles for the Wake. Friends came to laugh and cry with me. I sat, lost in bottle and thought. Was it better that I had few memories when death came, or was it better to have a lifetime of memories?

The answer to this question is now staring me in the face, 11 years after I asked it. But the answer is not clear. Maybe it is the difference in the relations that is the problem.

I held his hand tonight. He knew I was there. He became more restless, and responded with groans and squeezing my hand. My son use to get restless when I was in the room. He can no longer pet my head and give me 7up and Reese's pieces when I have a migraine. He can no longer call me Honey Baby Sweets like he has always done. He can not talk to me about novels and tell me dirty jokes.

I am not Waking the living. But I am mourning what I have already lost. This time I do have 29 years of memories. Some wonderful, some not so much. But memories there are.

Is it better? No, it hurts just the same.

My father will soon be able to meet his first grandson, for the first time. And that gives me comfort.

Some wisdom and its stupidity

I am a little medicated right now. I am just stopping in to tell you that I will not be very coherent the rest of the day, but will be back tomorrow.

I had a wisdom tooth, and the molar {that I call stupid} pulled yesterday. The pain got so bad today that I am now on some pain management.

And according to Stephanie over on stop the ride, I rock!

I'm speechless

Farm Mom of Children in the Corn Fame thinks I am not as selfish as I claim to be. I am now the recipient of the Positive Global Change Award.


Talk about pressure.

It is nice to know that some one thinks I am doing something right. Most days I feel like I am failing.

Thank you Farm Mom for this honor.

And you thought giving was incentive enough

You rock! We are already close to $300 in pledges. I am really proud of you guys.

Blogathon 2007 is still a few weeks away, so there is still time to make your pledge. Starting on July 28th at 8am central time, I will begin to blog for 24 hours straight. No sleep for me that day. I am doing this to raise money for Farm Aid.

Farm Aid is best known for their yearly concerts staring Willie Nelson. The concerts are one way they raise money to help family farmers that are having legal problems, or financial problems. For 22 years, Farm Aid has been on the front lines to help keep America growing and out of the hands of Big Ag. What happens if you go to the Farm Market and your favorite vendor is gone? What happens to the family farms when NAIS becomes mandatory and they can't afford the price? Family farms are disappearing, just when more people are discovering that the family farm is better for everyone. They need our help. Not just with buying local, but having a resource available when they need it. And even $5 will go a long way.

And if the act of giving isn't enough, Farm Aid will be giving the person with the highest, completed donation a limited edition 2006 concert shirt, and a compilation CD!

The New Homemaker has sweetened the pot a bit. Lynn the editor is offering a prize of The Craft Fair Gold Mine Package. 4 ebooks! If you pledge, you will be in a drawing to win this great prize.

The Modern Homestead is offering an incentive of a cloth bag for all you Farm Market needs. All you need to do, is make a pledge and you will be in the drawing.Actual tote will have a slightly different graphic.

More incentives will be coming along shortly.

Sponsors also get some link love on the sidebar. Go check them out.

If you wish to make a pledge, please click the blogathon banner at the top of the page.

Thank you.